Broken 

I think my heart is broken. 

I think I’ve hit a point where everything is just too much. 

It’s not one specific thing, it’s the cumulative effect of all the little things (and a few big things). 

I don’t remember how to let go anymore, I don’t remember how to shake the weight from my shoulders. I don’t remember what it feels like to not be responsible for everything all the time. 

So far 2018 has been a roll with the punches and try to stay standing sort of endeavour. Work, home, life… Major changes almost weekly it seems.

My work hours have changed 3 times in 4 months. I went from working 28 hours a week to working a 40 hour 4 day line. Then I went to 48 hour 4 day line. Now I’m doing a 40 hour 5 day line. I held the hand of dying man who I adored. Ive held back tears. I’ve felt the sting of coworkers hating on me because I was the staff left standing with a job when the dust settled.  I’ve done my best to adjust and be thankful that I have a job to provide for my family. 

I’ve noticed these fine lines around my eyes and mouth. I’ve notice the ever increasing number of grey hairs sneaking through my once glorious hair. I’ve noticed I no longer make eye contact with people when I have to go out in public. Is this an age thing? 36? Is it the age where I’ve decided to get old? Or am I really just tired of people? 

I recently took part in a conversation where a young mom said that people who “drop their friends” because of marriage, kids, work etc are flaky.  I’m not flaky, I’m exhausted. I don’t think anyone sets out to drop their friends when adult life takes over but life priorities really do cause you (well me) to see my friends less.  I’d love to see my friends weekly but with only two days off a week and 1400 things to get done how do I do this? If you know how please tell me. 

I’ve noticed that my needs and well-being come last. I don’t prioritize myself because by the time everything and everyone else is taken care of the day is done. 

I’ve noticed I’ve had to justify more things to people who I actually thought were concerned and cared. 

I don’t think this is what a normal adult life is supposed to be like? I’m not feeling sorry for myself I’m just putting into words how I feel. But then again I’m not sure why I’m even trying to justify my words and feelings by adding that.

Sometimes I get this glimmer of something that reminds me I’m a bad ass! Something that reminds me that I should be proud of myself for holding it together, doing everything I can to provide for my son and disabled husband. Sometimes I watch as Jacob loves life and I forget I’m dying inside. 

Maybe it’s not my heart that’s broken maybe it’s my soul. 

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Good For You Protein Balls

Today’s kitchen adventure: Protein balls! These little beauties are just sweet enough to ward off a cookie craving while being packed full of good for you ingredients and protein!  Perfect as a mid afternoon snack, after the gym, or desert! 


Ingredients 

1 cup rolled oats

1/2 cup natural peanut butter

1/4 cup Epicure protein powder

1/4 cup ground flax

1/4 cup honey

2 scoops Epicure Cocoa açai

1/4 cup mini dark chocolate chips

1/4 cup unsweetened coconut 


Method 

Simply mix all ingredients into a large bowl and mix well. Once combined scoop and roll into small balls. Roll in coconut and place in sealed container to store in fridge. 

Using the above recipe I got 18 balls. Which breaks down to 4.4 grams of protein each! 


You can customize these however you like! Try adding things like dried cranberries, nuts, cinnamon, etc. 

I hope you enjoy these.

Happy, healthy snacking! 

Driving an imaginary getaway car.

 I keep sporadically posting little posts that claim I’m coming back to blogging and then it doesn’t happen! So this time I’m not going to make any claims I’m just going to write! 

So the last week has been a rough one! Jacob came down with a serious case of croup and then an ear infection! Needless to say this momma only made it back to work a couple days after her Christmas vacation before she ended up staying home from work to play nurse! Thankfully Jacob seems to be on the mend and getting back to his old self! Which is good because we’ve got a third (how the hell did that happen) Birthday party to plan!!!! 

On the topic of time…. 2018! Wow! Wasn’t it just 2003?  This year marks my 36th birthday, the 11th year of homeownership, 15 years of working in nursing, and our 8th year of marriage. My Dad turns 73 on Friday. It’s been 3 years since Kevin was left severely injured/disabled from a car accident.  Time is a real bitch. 

My world is not what I ever expected, anticipated or dreamed it would be. I don’t mean that in a negative way. I love many aspects of my life. For example I love being a mother but I hate trying to figure out how to deal with a headstrong toddler. I never dreamed in a million years I would be the sole provider for my little family. I never imagined I’d be aflicted with PTSD so badly that somedays I contemplate taking off. I never thought I’d be facing my second ultrasound and mammogram in 6 months because “there’s something there”. All these things have taught me that while I’m damaged I’m strong as hell. Life can knock me down but I’m yet to let it knock me out! 

Today’s advice: 

Buy the damn flowers even if you can’t afford them. Soak in their beauty and when it’s time to throw them out do so unapologetically while knowing you soaked in the best they had to offer and no matter what somethings can always be replaced and the new ones will make you smile.

 Somethings are meant to be enjoyed briefly not forever, Life is one of them. 

I Promise I’m Still Cooking! 

No one told me becoming Mom would mean I have pretty much zero time to do anything but Mom and Work!!! 

I’m trying my best to find time saving tricks so I can get back to things I love and miss! Things like blogging, running, and having 10 seconds alone! 

So speaking of time saving…Recently Influenster sent me a few Club house organic spices to try! I was skeptical because as an Epicure rep I’m spoiled with and amazing pantry full of spices and meal helpers!  But I have to tell you I was surprised how easy the Chicken Kung Pao came together! It had an amazing aroma and looked beautiful! Only downside for us was it was very spicy!! I simply can’t handle that much spice because of my esophagus damage from pregnancy (thanks Jacob 😉 )



I’m definitely going to try the garlic chicken variety next!! I’ll keep you posted! 

Pumpkin Coconut Coffee Cake 

This isn’t my normal recipe post! Normally I have photos of each step. This time though is just the basics!! 

Fall can’t come soon enough!! Tonight I had to bake something pumpkin spice to get me through the craving! 

Ingredients 

1 1/3 cups flour

3/4 cup white sugar

3 teaspoons baking powder 

Pinch of salt

1 1/2 teaspoons Epicure’s pumpkin pie spice

1/4 cup butter 

1 egg

3/4 cup pumpkin purée 

1/4 milk

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla 

Topping

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice

3 tablespoons coconut 

Directions
Whisk together dry ingredients.

Cut in butter until crumbly 

Make a well in the centre 

Mix together wet ingredients 
Gently fold wet into dry, mixing just enough to bring every together.

Place in greased 8×8 pan

Mix together brown sugar, coconut and pumpkin spice. Sprinkle over batter

Bake for 50 minutes in 350 degree oven 

It Could Have Been Me…

It could have been you. Anyone of us Mothers could be feeling the absolute heartbreak Melissa Graves is feeling right now.  The numbness, the regret, the blame, the devistation. 

None of us are immune to tragedy. None of us can see the future.  None of us know if the last hug or frustrated sigh over uneaten dinner will be the last. None of us know when our number is up. 

None of us are perfect parents. Not a single one of us can claim we have never taken our eyes off our child for a split second. Not a single parent alive can pretend that in a brief second, one horrible life changing second couldn’t destroy our lives and take our baby away forever. Because deep down we know it could it. Things happen. Horrible, unthinkable things…accidents happen. 

Accidents happen. Think about that for a second. Then remember why we don’t spend every second of our lives worrying about these unthinkable tragedies. We don’t because we can’t. We spend our lives trying our best to make happy, fun memories with our littles. Because we want them to live and enjoy life, even if those lives are short. We want to see their smiles and hear their giggles.

That is exactly what the Graves family was doing on a magical family trip before it all got taken away in one of those horrible life changing seconds. Please remember that before you cast doubt, point a finger of blame or claim this would never happen to your child!  Please be kind to parents who are facing horrible things, be kind to the family at the restaurant with the toddler melting down, be understanding to the Mom who can’t get her children to leave the playground without them screaming wildly. Just be kind.

Parenting is hard, it’s exhausting, it’s frustrating. Parenting is a full time job, it doesn’t stop because you’re on vacation and if it does stop you’d give your own life to bring it back. 


No Apologies…

Happy Monday!  I would love to tell you I’m well rested and excited for the week but I’m not!  I covered a 12 hour night shift at work on the weekend, had an Epicure party, got our taxes done, had a ton of things to do and generally didn’t take any time to recharge! 

I’m hoping next weekend will be a bit different.  Friday night I have an Epicure party, Saturday is Epicure’s Big Buisness conference and also my Birthday!! But Sunday I’m keeping open for some quiet time!! 

So you’re probably wondering how my week went in terms of healthy living!  Well this morning I weighed myself and I’m down 2 pounds! I’m happy with that because I know slow and steady truly does get things done! 

My successes last week were definitely meal preping for my at work meals, increasing my water intake, and better portioning. 

I was challenged with eating on the weekend because I didn’t prep. As much as I’d like to wing the weekends I don’t think that’s an option for me.  I do best when I’ve thought things through and planned for my day.  I’m going to try preping lunches and breakfasts for the weekend Thursday night this week. 

I allowed myself a cheat snack on Friday and a cheat meal yesterday morning of pancakes and sausage. It was yummy. I’ve also been having 10 chocolate chips once a day to keep the cravings under control! So far so good!  I refuse to fully deny myself of the things I love because I know that will lead to a full on binge.  

I was happy to get in some good walks this past week and a few mini at home workouts. My goal is to get to the gym 3 times this week! I find getting to the gym since having Jacob is extremely tough for me but I acknowledge I need to make it a priority! 

I wore my Fitbit a few days last week and I truly hate how it rubs my wrist! I need to get a different band if I want to wear it frequently. 

I’ve included a few photos of my food choices and pictures from my walks! I’m trying to decide if I want to update daily or weekly!  So many choices!